Psalm 34

¹ I will extol the Lord at all times;     his praise will always be on my lips. ² I will glory in the Lord;     let the afflicted hear and rejoice. ³ Glorify the Lord with me;     let us exalt his name together.⁴ I sought the Lord, and he answered me;     he delivered me from all my fears. ⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;     their faces are never covered with shame. ⁶ This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;     he saved him out of all his troubles. ⁷ The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,     and he delivers them. ⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good;     blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. ⁹ Fear the Lord, you his holy people,     for those who fear him lack nothing. ¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,     but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. ¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;     I will teach you the fear of the Lord. ¹² Whoever of you loves life     and desires to see many good days, ¹³ keep your tongue from evil     and your lips from telling lies. ¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;     seek peace and pursue it.¹⁵ The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,     and his ears are attentive to their cry; ¹⁶ but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,     to blot out their name from the earth.¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;     he delivers them from all their troubles. ¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.¹⁹ The righteous person may have many troubles,     but the Lord delivers him from them all; ²⁰ he protects all his bones,     not one of them will be broken.²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;     the foes of the righteous will be condemned. ²² The Lord will rescue his servants;     no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

Vs. 18 over and over and over.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

It hasn't hit me this hard in a long time, but the past couple days have been horrible on the broken heart scale.

I. can't. breathe.

I destroyed that coffee!

Happy Monday!!!

A couple weeks ago, I was explaining to one of my employees that our timesheets show the week as Monday through Sunday. He said, "Ugh, I hate Mondays." This is a known worldwide sentiment. There are ecards, funny posters, quotes and sayings all pointing to the fact of how dreadful Mondays are. I wake up, have to slap makeup on my face, wear something other than sweatpants, interact with people and attack the massive stacks of paperwork on my desk. It's a daunting task to come in on Monday when the work was slowly piling up all weekend. It doesn't help much if you are recouping from a busy weekend, either.

Last night, the sweetness decided to sleep catty corner while slicing me with her toe nail knives and kicking me in the spleen. She had a bad dream at 1:00am and at 3:00am was asking for cake. No darling, you can not have cake at 3am. Please sleep? I know, I know...how unfair am I?! She went back to sleep shortly after and my lovely alarm buzzed just two hours later at 5am. I would love to say that I got up, had peaceful quiet time with my Bible and a warm cup of coffee. I would love to say that I took a shower and packed a healthy lunch for the day. But I would be bold face lying. I stayed in bed until 630am. Awake, but under those heavenly warm covers cuddled with my now sweetly sleeping angel which compared to the night ninja a couple hours ago was more than enough reason to stay put. I did finally get out of bed and rushed to get ready. Thankfully I did laundry this weekend, so I threw on clothes and my work hat.

Brief Digression: I only wear this work hat when I'm having a bad hair day or an I-just-didn't-fix-my-hair-day. My bosses perceive it as company loyalty, so it's a win-win for me! Seriously, all three of my bosses today at some point will say "nice hat" with that big prideful grin on their face. Oh, if they only knew the mad swirl of hair chaos that is happening under their pink/camo work logo. But there is no need to disclose this information.

Due to this eventful night and rushed morning, I stopped by Starbucks. I thought I would be clever and get a Venti instead of a Grande. I imagined myself taking my time sipping on this warm Quad Soy No Whip Mocha. I even thought I would need to reheat it at some point so that I could continue to sip on it throughout my morning. I would let it gradually wake me up as I began my work day. Oh no. Not the case here.

I destroyed that coffee.

 

I received the coffee at 7:50am. As I type, it is 8:30am and that coffee is gone. Destroyed. Annihilated. Comfortably resting in my stomach. The cup? Sadly in the bottom of the trash can. It's short little life purpose lived out in only 40 minutes.

 

Now what do I do for the next 8 hours?

5 Min Friday! Jumbled Mess

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, Set, Go!

I just typed and retyped several paragraphs on several different topics trying to come up with this post. It's not that I can't find the words to say. It's not that I'm worried if the content will be relevant or interesting. I'm not even worried about how it will make me look or seem to my readers. All of the gunk, thoughts, emotions and stuff are just more intertwined to my heart than I realized before I started typing. I know, I know, this goes against the whole premise of 5 Min Fridays, because there has been WAY too much editing, proofreading and deleting. I'm just not ready to share this stuff quite yet. I have no problem with being open and honest about my life. I don't have vulnerability issues or fears of judgment for being transparent. I just have a couple things to figure out before I offload the chaos happening inside me right now.

Things I will divulge:

1. I received something in the mail that I have been waiting for 3 months to receive. Part 1 of a 4 step progress - complete! I have to be thankful for progress right?

2. Due to a conversation I had earlier, I am even more motivated to be more active with Ryot. Tonight I plan to take her to a small little park by our apartment that we frequent because of the squirrels, rabbits and owners with their dogs. Ryot just loves it and I love it when she just loves something. :)

3. I had a sadhappy moment today. I saw two people celebrating 5 year anniversaries, a new baby being born in the family, and countless others gushing from people about how much they love/admire/cherish/enjoy their significant others. I had a split moment of "that should be me" which quickly turned into my thought that I have never in my whole life been more satisfied and in love with my great Creator than I am now. And that alone is worth it to me.

So 5 Min Fridays, you can kiss my butt. I'm a rebel today.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am declaring thankful Thursday. Here are just 3 things on the list of many that I am thankful for. (In no particular order)

1. I'm thankful for suggestions/posts/blogs/conversations from friends. Just in a week's worth of time, I have been enlightened to help ease my workload, encouraged to be the free thinking, loving mom that I am and been led through a life-changing spirit-firing holy of holies experience with my Creator.

2. I'm thankful for these beautiful flowers that bring a smile to my face. It's just something about the way they are being exactly who they are supposed to be. They don't argue or complain. They just are, because that is how they were created. These flowers, right here in front of me, were created to serve the purpose of putting a smile on my face. So thankful for little pleasures like these.

3. I'm thankful for the US Postal Service. In the past month I have started writing letters again and have recently mailed a few packages. I'm really thankful I don't have to ride the Pony Express to deliver my letter across country.

I'm not a SAHM

Today my friend Hannah received some not so nice words from an obviously unhappy woman in Subway. This woman made cutting remarks calling Hannah lazy for being a (SAHM) stay at home mom. I don't get angry at stay at home moms, but I do get jealous. It is something that I seriously have to give to God every time it pops in my head. I see pictures of moms doing art projects or playing at the splash pad. I see updates of families going to the zoo or visiting friends for play dates and it makes me a little sad. Ryot and I go to the pool occasionally when I get off work, but she is usually so tired from her play day at daycare that a later bedtime means a groggier start to the next day so it really is like a once a week treat. We reserve that kind of fun for the weekend.

Ryot is getting to the age where she really loves to help me do things around the house. She loves to wash "wabee"(water) so she helps me with the dishes which really just creates more work for me. But I just think it is so important for her to spend time with me and learn responsibility at the same time. I drop Ryot off at 730am and I don't pick her up until 530pm. Even typing that out and thinking about those hours honestly makes me sick to my stomach. I didn't have a child to have someone else raise her! But I don't have a choice. I don't have the option of staying at home. There is only me. Sure, I could quit my job and live off of government assistance, but that's not how I was raised. I am working really hard to provide for Ryot financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This is ONLY possible by getting my resources from God. His money, His heart, His strength, His guidance, His joy.

I like working. In fact, I love my job. I love the intellectual challenge and interaction. I love learning new things. I love the to do list being checked off. I have great rapport and relationships with my clients, vendors, employees, coworkers and bosses. I just miss her. I just point blank miss her every second of every day. I have two pictures on my desk of her and I just stare at her in awe of such a beautiful creation and gift from God. I love working, but I love going home more.
I am not the perfect mom, not even close. I raise my voice sometimes. Sometimes I don't pay attention to her, but then immediately I am gut-wrenching sorry. Sometimes I hide her Strawberry Shortcake movie. Sometimes I specifically eat chocolate after she goes to bed because I don't want to share. Sometimes I pray for a longer nap time. Sometimes I buy coffee instead of stickers or something that Ryot would really love. Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes I just don't have what it takes.

Right now I want to erase that whole last paragraph so no one knows of my selfishness sometimes. But even through my selfishness, there is no one on this planet who loves that little girl more than me. I have more good days/moments than bad ones, but I am doing the best that I can. Hannah is not better than me for staying at home to care for her two rambunctious boys. I am not better than Hannah for working full time. It doesn't matter if her house is cleaner than mine or if I get more "free" time than she does.

If you are a stay at home mom, how about you provide a home-cooked meal for a working mom so that is one less thing for her to do?

If you are a working mom, how about you offer to watch her kids for a couple hours on your weekend so she can go pamper herself or relax for a little bit?

What matters is that we both love our babies the most that anyone could possibly accomplish and strive everyday to give them what they need. We, as moms, need to team together to encourage each other instead of cut each other down.

*off of soap box now*

What is Kayla made of?

What are little boys made of? What are little boys made of?

Slugs and snails

And puppy-dogs' tails,

That's what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of? What are little girls made of?

Sugar and spice

And everything nice,

 

That's what little girls are made of.

But what am I made of? How does my family describe me? What would my friends say is my biggest motivation? How would strangers characterize me? Would they say I am made of "sugar and spice and everything nice"?

Your actions depict your priorities and its no secret that humans do what they want to do. We are all about choices. What I wear, eat, listen to, do, who I hang out with, where I go, what I spend my money on and how I react to circumstances are all characteristics of my priorities. What do I spend my time on? What is my definition of "rejuvenation"? How do I find comfort? What are my pet peeves? What makes me smile? What makes me laugh and why?

Am I spending too much time on social media?

Am I not spending enough time in the quiet? Am I taking care of my body? Am I a contributing member of society? Am I helpful? Am I loving the people around me? Am I choosing what is right? Am I being bold? Am I making the most of the opportunities before me? Am I being a good steward of my time and relationships? Am I blessing those around me? Are they encouraged or burdened with my friendship?

I want the stuff in my life to matter. I want my life to be a reflection of the goodness of God. I want my testimony to not show me, my strength or my courage, because it is not me that has conquered any obstacles.

I want to make things happen for the bigger picture. I want to make my Abba Father proud. I want to learn as much as I can so I can pass it on to Ryot. I want, need, gotta have something better than what this world can offer.

I want to make things happen.

Ryot Update *Almost* 26 Months

Tonight, Ryot told me she was 2 and named all the following body parts: head, hair, 'ingers', hands, 'ohms' (arms), bobos (elbows), legs, feet, toes, knees, byee(belly), button (belly button), booee (booty), ears, eyes, 'teet' (teeth), chin and 'mou' (mouth).

She is 28 lbs and really tall. I know that's not a measurement but she easily fits in both 2t and 3t clothes. She has big feet, size 8! Her hair is the perfect sandy strawberry blonde color. It is getting longer but she still has a mullet.

She loves to play outside and run with the boys but tonight wanted to wear this tutu to be a 'peenchess'. :)





She loves to 'bead' (read) and 'pay' (pray) before bed. She loves to have her 'beebee' (blanket) to sleep in mommy's 'big bed'. She hugs random people in random places and tells them that they are 'petty' (pretty). She loves her school and her best friend is a little boy named Jojo. All her stuffed animals are named Jojo or Jane. She points things out to me by saying watch or see? She loves to dance and will talk on the phone if she is in the mood.

She is a HUGE cuddle bug and definitely mama's little girl.  I love every minute. She loves to brush her teeth...all the time. She is a very picky eater. She loves shoes and shopping and drawing. She loves to swim or anything that has to do with 'wabee' (water) i.e. drinking fountain rains, swimming pools, sinks, bath tubs, puddles. She loves to drive under the freeway or under bridges. No matter what she is doing she stops and says 'ooo wow' and gets excited.

Common phrases:
-Ant bite. Not nice.
-He/She's sad. (Which then she tells me that she wants to buy them a hat and shoes and juice to make them happy again)
-see ya gator!
-bye guys! (Instead of just bye bye)
-i 'an ju (I want juice)
-you peenchess. I peenchess. (Meaning princess. Then she dances)
-stop...shhhhhh (when I ask her too many questions when we are learning)
-'tahnkyou Jesus men-men' (thank you Jesus amen)

I'm sure there are tons more but that is what came to mind.

I know I talk about her all the time. I just want to remember everything. I just want to remember what she says and how she looks and smells. What she likes and doesn't like. How she makes me feel. How she interacts with others. I want to soak it in and remember every moment. I want to create memories that she will never forget.

If something ever happens to me I want her to know that there was no one on this earth that I loved more than her.

My little heartbeat.

God is I am

How do you write when you wake up and everything is different? Better?

How do you articulate the perfect nature of a great God?

How can you encounter His goodness and not be changed?

I'm ready for Tuesday now

 

I wasn't expecting that.
And I didn't want it.
I just wanted a small break from work.
I just wanted to go get some lunch.

I'm not hungry anymore.
I'm ready for Tuesday now, thanks.

 

Sometimes I am just at a loss for words. She is the most beautiful human being I have ever seen in my life. She lights up the room when she walks in. She is determined and stubborn so it is so much fun to see her overcome obstacles.

She is growing way too fast but I am enjoying every minute of it. She is charming. She is hilarious. She really is the coolest kid ever. I am so blessed. How can you not love this kid? She is my favorite. Ever. The Sweetness.

Tomorrow will include church, special lunch with friends, laundry and just chilling.
I. Am. So. Excited. I want it to be tomorrow already. Eeeeek. I want to wake her up right now to cuddle and play with her.

But you NEVER wake a sleeping child. Ever.

5 Min Friday! I'm Freezing

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, Set, Go!

This morning when I walked in the office I started my normal routine. I turned the lights on, started my computer and unforwarded the phones. (Wordpress is telling me that "unforwarded" is not a word, but I know that my lovely readers will forgive me and understand my meaning) As I started to walk back to start the coffee, chills ran down my body. I prepared the coffee and thought that surely a delicious cup of joe would warm me up. I sat down at my desk and started to check my emails and turn on some music. Still waiting for the coffee, I shuffled through the papers on my desk as another chill shook my whole body.

It is 87 degrees outside with 75% humidity, surely I can't be this cold!

But I was freeeezzzing!

Well, I am all alone today and so there isn't a lot of body heat through the office.

But that shouldn't really make a lot of difference.

I DID wake up with a huge headache. That's it. Maybe I'm just not feeling well.

 

Then I had the marvelous idea to check the thermostat. I'm a genius, I know.

It was below 60. ARE THEY CRAZY!?

I wonder how many other things I overanalyze that really are so simple?

A Turning Point

First of all, thank you to everyone who has spread love, kindness and encouraging words in regards to Ryot's fire ant fiasco yesterday. I didn't count all of the bites, but I would be confident to say that she has around 10 bites on one leg and probably 20 or more on the other. Last night I let her stay up a little later and she fell asleep on my chest while we watched Narnia. So precious!!

Yesterday at 4:30pm I received a call from the daycare telling me that Ryot had stepped in the fire ant bed. The daycare director said that it had just happened, but Ryot had already stopped crying and the redness was starting to go away. She told me that it didn't look like Ryot was having an allergic reaction, she was already back to her normal happy self, and that she would call me in 15 minutes. As I was finishing some paperwork, I posted to my Facebook about the incident and was graciously flooded with advice, "oh nooooo's" and kind words of concern. Thank you to everyone! The director called me as I was leaving the office and was so kind and apologetic. She said that they would do whatever I needed them to do as far as special treatment or medicine. She told me that there wasn't any swelling and the redness had continued to go down. In fact, while I was on the phone with her, I heard Ryot's squeal of laughter and the director told me that Ryot had just skipped past her office laughing as the class was moving to a different room.

When I got the initial call about Ryot stepping in the ant bed, I had a peace. I asked if she was having any type of visible allergic reaction. I also asked if her demeanor had changed drastically. Both of the answers to that question were no, and I just had a peace about it. I saw the suggestions to go to the emergency room on my facebook but I just had a peace about a covering over Ryot for this incident. On the drive to pick Ryot up, I started doubting this peace. I had all those thoughts running through my head. It wasn't just a simple thing. I was wondering what the teachers were going while my poor baby was being eaten by those dreadful ants. I was hurting for the pain she had to go through. I was sad that I wasn't there to comfort her when it happened. I was thankful that we were so fortunate to live in a country with medicine so readily available. I was so grateful for the teachers concern and how they were loving on her. I was thankful for technology that allowed me to communicate with the school for incidents like this. Every single one of those thoughts were all short lived. They left as quickly as they came and left very little trace of their existence. However for that moment, I was distracted from my peace and I called Urgent Care. The lady was very rude, put me on hold only to tell me that she couldn't advise whether to bring Ryot in to them without them being able to see the bites first. Wait a minute...I have to bring the child to you and pay $175 so you can tell me whether I needed to bring her in to you or not? I have to pay you to tell me to give her Benadryl? Then it was an almost audible voice asking me "What are you doing?". So I told the lady thank you and drove the rest of the way to the daycare with peace in my heart.

After all of those thoughts, I was reminded of reading Bill Johnson's book The Supernatural Power of a Transformed Mind. I don't want to butcher the story that he told so I will do my best to just explain what it taught me instead. One of the main things that I learned from this book is to renew your mind. To praying and changing your mindset that "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." This literally means renewing your mind heavenward. I believe that there is no sickness or pain in heaven and I believe that it is God's will for it to be "on earth as it is in heaven" so that is exactly what I prayed for. I remembered a story that Bill told in the book about when he was a new Pastor. A lady brought her son to him that who was sick or hurt (I can't remember, oops) and he panicked. His froze and immediately advised to call 911. This seems like the normal response. This is the typical modern day response. Bringing heaven on earth as a reality takes a special kind of full force faith. A daily decision to defy "logic" and "rules" of this world and allow God to work through us. We ARE the hands and feet of God.

When I got to the daycare, I heard her sweet voice shouting "puppy!" accompanied with delightful giggles. I went around the corner to see her reading a book with one of her teachers. She was excited to see me and promptly told me "ant bite not nice" as she frowned and pointed to her legs. I asked her if she was ok to which she smiled and nodded while giving me a huge hug. That peace that was in my soul was now multiplied with a sigh of happy relief for my mommy heart. I asked the director and her teacher if we could pray over Ryot and we all laid hands on her to pray. I thanked God for His provision over Ryot and the other kids. I confirmed out loud that I believe it is God's nature to bring goodness and His desire for his will "on earth as it is in heaven". And I just declared that that is what we were praying for over Ryot. That the ant venom would not spread, that she would be without pain or discomfort and that He would be glorified.

And it just felt good. I'm sure there are a plethora of other words I could use to describe this feeling, this peace that surpasses all understanding, this joy that one only feels when in the center of His presence, but I have to say, it just felt good. I had not just learned something new and had a renewing in my mind, but I had the opportunity to bear fruit and follow through with my new mindset.
This is a victory for God, through me to vanquish all evil through His power.

 I am so blessed.
And just plain excited.
This was a turning point in my walk. A major step toward not just knowing who I need to be but BEING who I'm meant to be.

Identity Begets Reaction

Last night I sat down determined to read for an hour or so before I went to bed. I made a cup of coffee, snuggled with my blanket on the couch and took a couple deep breaths, ready to immerse myself in insight and wisdom from Bill Johnson. I briefly contemplated turning on some background music but then decided that I didn't want any possible kind of distraction. I was serious.

Then I read 4 paragraphs and stopped at an undeniable truth that punched me in the gut. I read this:

"I have met many women who were called "whores" by their fathers, then struggled with immorality their entire lives. Names can be prophetic declarations that define a person's identity. Because people act according to who they believe they are, these lies are ultimately acted out in their behavior. We respond to our environment according to the way we see ourselves. Words spoken to us become names that we carry in our hearts. These names paint a portrait of us in our imagination and become the lenses through which we view our world. Sticks and stones are breaking our bones, but names are taking away our future!" -Excerpt from chapter 5 of Supernatural Ways of Royalty by Bill Johnson & Kris Vallotton.

I literally felt like the I had the wind knocked out of me. I have written many blog posts, have had several conversations and spent countless hours thinking about my identity in Christ. Especially in the recent months, I have been able to let go of some pretty heavy weights I carried around. Weights in the form of "I am not enough" that are explained a little bit throughout my blog. And I get it. I totally get it. I have missed opportunities by not being bold because of how I viewed myself. Today, I took this thought and ran a little further with it. I looked through every area of my life and analyzed how my response reflects the way I view myself. Work, mommyhood, friends, church, dating. Oh goodness, dating. ugh. There are some guys that I don't even consider as prospects because I felt like they wouldn't date a single mom or that they would only date girls who were double zero models. Now how in the heck could I possibly know what type of girl that a guy is going to be interested in? I mean, really, it's ridiculous! Plus, I have a lot of good qualities that can not be replaced by a pair of junior jeans or an itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot bikini. Some guys have missed the opportunity to talk to my awesomeness because I was convinced that I wasn't good enough for them! Ok, just kidding. I'm really not that vain. ha! But the point has been made. I have probably missed opportunities for dating, work, community service and so many other areas because I was limiting myself by living under a specific name when I have already been given a new name! A new freedom in a great God to not be bound by what I think I am, but be free to live in what He says I am!

Today, I self-examined, but last night was different. I had this out of body view of my world. My grocery store, my office, my apartments, my daycare, my gas station, my playground. These words don't apply to only me. These words apply to the lady from Progressive who was completely rude to me today on the phone. She reacted to her environment according to the way she sees herself. It applies to my next door neighbor who is shy but always kind. He reacts to me according to the way that he sees himself. It applies to a certain somebody in my life who always cuts my physical appearance down. That person reacts to me according to the way they see their self. It applies to my blog reading people who comment on my posts. Whatever I write, interprets to them in a specific way and they react according to the way they see themselves. It applies to everyone. And because of this new found realization, I feel like it is so much easier to be the "body" of Christ now. I feel like insecurity can be replaced with confidence. That judgment can be replaced with compassion. That bitterness and anger can be replaced with forgiveness and love. I feel like with this knowledge it is a lot easier to open up and just be point blank honest about where I'm at in life and what I'm feeling. Not that I haven't been honest, but I know I have held back in situations instead of just stepping out in faith and walking in my new identity.

So what am I going to do about it? It's time for a change in perspective.

That was uneccessary and just plain rude!

Why do I do the things that I do?
Why do I do them so mindlessly?
Why do I not take a moment to think about the consequences of my actions before just blindly jumping in to them and yet when I know God is pushing me to give something up or do something, I give him the 5th degree?

Today I had a good thought that I allowed to turn into a plain thought that I allowed to turn into a dangerously inquisitive thought that I allowed to turn into sadness and grief.

What was this thought, you ask? I wondered: Where was I one year ago? What was I doing last year at this time?

This thought in an of itself is not bad. I actually think about this a lot. Usually I remember where I was and it gives me a new thing to be thankful for. I see a small flash of all the things God did in my life and over the course of time which increases my love and adoration for His provision in my life. This time it was just different. Different because I instantly remembered where I was last year - figuratively, emotionally, spiritually and physically. But why didn't I stop there and just be thankful? Why didn't I think about the consequences of looking back over my old blog? Why didn't I realize that those words, mostly written in pain and sadness, would be unnecessarily relived?

So now I'm just irritated. Irritated at my past and irritated at my decision to read what I did...because of course I couldn't just read one post. I had to keep reading more and more. Stupid. But I can't blame anyone else. It was completely unnecessary and just plain rude to do this to myself! What a waste of time!

Now I'm going to go get a cup of coffee.
I'm going to drown myself in scripture and the presence of my great Creator and Sustainer.
I'm going to stop wasting time sulking or being angry at myself.

Rawr.

The Prince of Egypt

Little girl and I had a movie date last night. We cuddled up to watch The Prince of Egypt and eat ice cream. It's the story of Moses, described as "An Egyptian prince learns of his identity as a Hebrew and, later his destiny to become the chosen deliverer of his people." on IMDB.

When I think of Moses, I think of greatness. He was obedient to God's calling to free the people from slavery. Well, there is so much more to it than that. I know that he was raised as an Egyptian. I know all of the facts in my head, but I was reminded to put myself in his shoes to feel it in my heart when I saw this movie again.

He had just found out that the only family he knew wasn't really his family. He started having conflicting feelings about the treatment of the slaves as he started identifying himself with the Hebrew nation. He killed a man, an Egyptian man. After killing the man he ran away. Then God tells him, through a burning bush, to go back to Egypt to free the people. My brain would probably explode into a jumbled mess.

Wait, God, you want me to do what?! Um, I killed a man. I will be punished for murder. And how am I supposed to go back there and tell my family to free the people that I once governed over?

I tried to put myself in Moses' shoes and think about how I would feel. What if I had to go to my sister or my boss or the government and tell them to do something or stop doing something that was completely against everything that they had always done their whole life. Severed relationships, humiliation, possible punishment and so many other fears and consequences for this decision. Moses saw innocent children and families suffering through plagues. Families that he knew. People he grew up with were covered in boils and yet he remained faithful to continue pursuing the freedom of the Hebrews. Because God said He would be with Moses.

That is the thing that caught my attention and really got me thinking about all of this.

He would be with Moses. And Moses was obedient.

I have never been asked to do something as crazy has free an entire people from slavery. I mean, yes I am commanded in the Bible to share His name through the nations, but I have never had a clear voice telling me that I had to specifically go to Egypt or Africa and have a specific role. Yet, I have Christ in me. I don't just have a promise that God will be with me, but I have His very presence in me all the time. Moses was obedient even though He had never had an encounter with God like that before. That's craziness! An awesome sort of craziness...

God has been gracious enough to reveal Himself to me and speak to me on a daily basis, and yet I still have negotiations with God about what/how/when I'm going to do things instead of just saying "YES Lord" and being obedient.

It's humbling. It's eye opening. It's exciting.

It makes me think...
Is there something immobilizing me from specific tasks? Like lack of faith or wrong priorities?
Am I expecting God to approach me through a burning bush instead of listening to His still small voice?

God, I am not enough, but You are. Forgive me for my over analytical mindset and purify my heart to be filled with only You.

Here I am, Lord, send me.

Not perfect

I love this blog challenge. What a neat idea to provoke thoughts and ideas and get creative juices flowing. I think often times I'm stuck in a rut wanting to write something great so I don't write at all. Just like I want the whole house to be clean so I don't clean at all. Just like I want to be able to run a mile in 7 minutes (even though I haven't been able to do that in 6 years) so I don't run at all.

Just like I want to be skinny so I don't eat at all....ha! Just kidding...I wish....OK so it doesn't work that way with every part of my life. However I have found that a lot of times my desire for greatness inhibits my desire for trying? Effort? ...well honestly I don't know what I would call it. And normally I wouldn't publish this post until I had just the perfect word or phrase exactly how I wanted it. But....here's to a new week and a new beginning full of effort regardless of the possibility of a flawed outcome.

I don't have to succeed but I won't know if I can unless I just say Yes.

God doesn't call me to be perfect.
He calls me to be obedient.

5 Min Fridays! Listen

Five Minute Fridays - Write for 5 straight minutes whatever is on your mind with no surplus of time spent editing or proof reading. 5 Minutes is the minimum, max is up to you and your creative juices.

Ready, Set, Go!

Earlier this week on my way to pick up little girl, I called six people. SIX. I will not name the five people who did not answer their phones, but merely be thankful for the sixth. I wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to just blow off the time spent in the car. I wanted to hear about their day and catch up with them a little. I wanted to tell someone about my day. I wanted to spend 15 minutes conversing with someone on something other than work! I wanted to "veg out" for a couple minutes and unwind.

Today on my drive to work, I immediately pulled out my phone to make a call. In the mornings, I know my contact list to talk to people is a lot more limited since normal people are sleeping. My mind immediately was drawn to calling my aunt. Sometimes we catch up in the mornings and talk about what's going on in our lives for a little bit. But then I remembered that she was taking care of my nieces and nephews this week and would be unavailable to talk. I was a little bummed because I wanted to talk to someone. (I've never been the introverted type as you can tell). Then I heard His sweet still small voice.

Just Listen.

 

But I want to talk to someone and hear about their day/weekend plans. I want to see if there is anything I can pray about for them.

 

Just Listen.

 

I was quiet for a moment and I noticed the beautiful clouds still reflecting a little bit of the sunrise. I started thinking about how when I get to the office I was so looking forward to drinking my coffee. That smell and that incredible sense of warmth. Yes. That is what I wanted. I started thinking about how when I wake up I don't immediately get excited about praying like I do about coffee. I don't think about how refreshed I will feel just by spending a few moments in His presence even though every time I come to Him, I am refreshed and filled with overflowing incalculable peace and joy.

 

I love you.

I want a relationship with you, not your to-do list.

I want to hear about your day.

I want you to bring your excitement to me just as you bring your worries.

I have something for you, something special.

I need you to listen to my instruction.

Slow your mind, and listen.



I Choose Forgiveness

I forgive you.
I forgive you not because it's "the right thing to do".
Not because I like you.
Not because the pain has gone away or I have forgotten.
Because I haven't forgotten.
In my human element, I don't know if I will ever forget.
I forgive you not because you deserve it, but because God forgives me on a daily basis.
I forgive you because I refuse to let hurt, bitterness and anger govern my life.
I forgive you because I refuse to allow the choices of another human being to distract me from a much more important reality.
Sure, I'm living on this world with you, but I'm not of this world.
I don't care if you like my tattoos or if you think I need to lose weight.
I don't care if you look down on me for being a divorced single mom or having a car missing a bumper.
Your opinions of me and my decisions are inconsequential.
Forgiving you is hard and an almost daily battle.

It's amazing to me how forgiveness can change your perspective in life. It's amazing how in an instant an individual can go from sworn enemy to beggar in search of living water.

I forgive you.
I forgive you because your debt was paid.
And because I love you.
And because your sin is as far as the east is from the west.
Through a great and merciful God, we can wake up with a clean slate.
I forgive you because you are a beloved creation.
I forgive you because you were destined for great things. I don't know what those things are but if you seek God, He will show you His love and guidance.
I forgive you and choose to love you so that we can be on the same team to accomplish the will of God.
We are not living on this world for long, and we have so much to do.
I choose to accept our differences and embrace all the possibilities that they bring to the table.
I choose to encourage your strengths and partner with your weaknesses as I submit mine to you in true community.
Your opinion of me and my decisions will not sway my love for you.
Forgiving you is hard and an almost daily battle, but it's worth it.

It's worth it because it's not about me. It's not about my heart being broken, because I have a personal relationship with a miraculous healer who has more than the mere bandaid that modern day society can offer.

I choose love.

Lite Brite Life

Where did I come from?
                    Where am I going?
What have I done?
                    What am I doing?
What have I learned?
                    What am I learning?


Remember these?

The picture was perfectly printed on that paper. (please don't mind the accidental alliteration)
But it wasn't accomplishing it's purpose until holes were punched in to let the light shine through the pegs. Those pages were designed so that the holes would be punched in specific spots in order to display the correct image. And once those pegs were in the proper place, the light would turn on and there would be your image on display. It used to be so frustrating when I would accidentally plug the peg in the wrong spot.

Lately, I have been really focusing on skimming out of my life all the extra stuff. Too many toys, too much tv, too many hours wasted, too many conversations wasted, too many opportunities passed me buy, too much stuff. I only want to do the things that I was specifically meant to do. I only want to talk about the things that matter. I only want to accomplish the things in life that make a difference.

As the light shines through me, are there pegs shining light in the wrong places?

I wonder what my picture looks like right now...I'm excited at what it will look like in 6 months, a year, 10 years.....

Oh the possibilities.

Brown Grass Revelation

Yesterday on my commute home from work, I saw a small patch of grass in a busy intersection. It had more patches of dying, withering brown grass than flourishing green. I immediately prayed that it would rain so that that patch of grass could get the nutrients that it needed.

I don't like the rain.
But that grass needs the rain to grow.
So now I would be thankful for the rain because I understand that that patch of grass really needs it.

I started thinking about how many times I have prayed for God to give this person or that person a "good" day instead of praying for God to rain down on that person's life the exact nutrients that they need to accomplish His will, thrive in joy in His Spirit and minister to those around them. I would hear a friend going through a struggle and I would pray that that struggle would go away instead of aiding and ministering through the change happening in their life. Rick Warren says "Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. Don’t waste your pain; use it to help others.”

I have been through my share of pain and heartache in my 24 years.
My pain doesn't define me, but it shapes me.
It shapes me to be opened to new opportunities of ministry.
It shapes me to have a heart more like Christ.
It shapes me to forgive because I have been forgiven.
It shapes me to sacrifice because I was given the greatest sacrificial gift through Jesus dying on the cross.
It shapes me to love the unlovable because I was the unlovable.
It shapes me to be free of all guilt, chains and judgment.
It shapes me to look forward with confidence instead of down at my feet.
It shapes me to live courageously because I have nothing to fear.
It shapes me to reach out to the world to lead them to the bread of life.

All of those experiences have shaped me to live outside of the box. That box that society tries to stuff you into. That box of what to do, what to eat, what to wear, what is cool, what is normal, what is "right", what is acceptable. I am not bound by that box. What a crazy adventure I have been on and I am so thankful for every bump and obstacle because it has led me to this crazy passion for my Creator and Sustainer! But what does that passion do or accomplish if I just hoard it for me? Sure, I can just be happy and live my life in passionate pursuit of God but this passionate pursuit has to produce fruit or it is mere selfish ambition. This is the importance of community.

I have surrendered my life to Christ and the freedom that I have in Him to NOT be bound by my past. The only time I think about the hard things that have happened is *sometimes* on holidays but most of the time it is brought up by someone asking me about it. Through time, prayer and ultimately my gracious God, all of those voids that were created by those times of hurt have been filled, not just filled but overflowing with God's goodness, forgiveness, joy and wholeness. He has diverted my thoughts of abandon to thanking him for his presence. He has changed my hardened and bitter heart to a soft heart of forgiveness and love. He has lifted my spirit of fear and insecurities and given me purpose and confidence in His spirit. I am governed by His laws and His acceptance which frees me from hatred and worry.

So now when I pray, I make a conscious effort to pray that God would reveal exactly what I am supposed to do when myself or a friend is going through a trial. We don't have to merely survive or just make it through the day. We don't have to "be polite" and ask about the hurt in someone's life. Why don't we be courageous instead and ask questions about what God is teaching them, what they are learning or how you can specifically minister to their life? Instead of asking them why the grass is brown, how long has it been brown or when it is going to turn green, why not instead encourage the green areas, and ask how you can pray for or encourage the others? If I'm not dwelling on my brown areas, there is no need for you to dwell on them either! :) We have more to live for, more to accomplish and more to explore than we can handle! We don't have to waste our time with what was, we need to be preparing for what is to come!

We already have the victory, but we have to surrender our will, our desires, our past.
Surrender to obtain victory, you ask?
Why yes, welcome to opposite world. It's a grand world of opportunity, revelation and more wonder than you can imagine.

The Brutal Truth: Paying for Everything

I was listening to 100.3 KILT this morning on my way to work. Every morning, they have a segment called "The Brutal Truth" where a touchy subject is dissected by the DJ's and listeners. Anyone can call in and give their opinion on the issue.

I love this.

I love this for multiple reasons. One reason is because I love people. I love the differences in opinions and thought processes. Everyone has a way of thinking or way of doing things, which most everyone thinks is the 'right' way. This is due to the personal experiences and knowledge that that person has built up in their life to cause them to think this way. Another reason I love the brutal truth is because it challenges me. They bring up topics that make me think, and some of them I've never even considered. I like the intellectual stimulation, the challenge and the way is forces me to consider my own experiences, knowledge and belief on the situation.

A couple weeks ago, the brutal truth was from a 40 yr old single mom of a teenager. She said that her son's friend who was 18 was really hitting on her and she didn't know if she should accept his advances or not. She said that she was conflicted because he seemed very mature for his age, was very good looking, sweet, kind, and an adult - meaning he was 18. This, to me, was immediately a no-brainer that it was inappropriate for her to even be considering acting on the advances of her teenage son's friend. In my opinion, there are too many grey lines and I think that age gap is a little too significant at that point in time. (Again, just my opinion) But I was surprised to hear the conflicting arguments from listeners calling in.

Today was different. Today was about money. A guy called in saying that he has been dating a girl for 3 months and he has to pay for everything. She has not offered to pay for anything, but still wants to go out and do a lot of activities, dinners, movies, etc. The DJ's were conflicted in their answers. One of the guys said that it was about chivalry and the guy should just pay because that is what he is supposed to do. The girl said that on the first couple dates the guy should pay, no doubt. However, if you have been dating for a while it should turn into a partnership where the it is give and take.

Another piece to the puzzle - If after the couple has been dating for a while it was decided that there should be more of a partnership instead of a one-way street, how does he bring the conversation up? Does he even bring the conversation up? Does he talk about how expensive something is or does he mention that he maybe can't afford to go somewhere? This is where the lines got a little hazy for me.

I think this is about chivalry and partnership. I hold southern values that the guy should open the door (cars and buildings) for girls. I think that he should stand up when she arrives and leaves the table. I love hearing yes ma'am and no ma'am. (melts my heart!) I believe whole-heartedly in chivalry, respect and doting on the person you care about. And because of this, I don't think it is ever ok in the beginning of a relationship to complain about how expensive something is. Oh man, that makes me nervous even thinking about it. I mean if you see something that is waaay out of your league and you joke about how you can't afford it, that's different. But if you are complaining that the tab or the restaurant is too expensive, then you shouldn't be going out on a date, or you should have planned a different date. Don't make your date feel bad or awkward. That's rude.

Now, I think in the case of the guy that called in to the Brutal Truth, I honestly don't know what to tell him. I think that she should be chipping in a little every now and then. I also think that it should be at her prompting and it shouldn't have to be brought up in a formal conversation. I think the only way this would work is if he was pretty smooth about it, like:

"I'll buy the concert tickets if you buy the drinks."
"I'll buy the movie tickets if you buy the popcorn."
"I'll buy dinner if you buy dessert."

And even this can be taken the wrong way. If this was said to me on the first date, I don't think I would like that. But if we had been dating for 3 months, I think this would be perfectly normal. I think in this guy's case, it all boils down to the pattern that he has set and her willingness to be a partner with him instead of just mooching.

I don't think that my opinion is necessarily the only right answer, but it is how I feel based on my experiences, knowledge and belief.

What do you think? Should his girlfriend be helping him pay for things? Should he bring it up in conversation? HOW would he bring it up in conversation? What do YOU think?

Quit Anything Thursday and Updates

I haven't written in a while. Not because I didn't want to. Not because I'm not learning anything. Not because I am having writer's block. There have been several days that I have sat down to write with great intention and then pulled away for one reason or another.

Random Update: GO!

1. I met my new baby niece, Addi. She is SO stinkin cute and I couldn't love her more if I tried. She does this awesome scrunchy scowl face. I love the personality that she has developed already. I can't wait to see her grow up and especially to see her wear some of the cute outfits that Ryot wore! Addison Reese, Aunt Kayla loves you so much!

2. I got to meet my new baby cousin Kellon. He is so chill!! I couldn't believe it! I don't think I heard him cry the entire time that we visited. I held him a lot to help soak up my baby fever and to hopefully help my cuz Lindsey have a bit of a break. She looks awesome for having three kids, by the way. I only have one kid who is TWO and she has three kids all under 4! Ridiculous and amazing. Riley, I had so much fun playing at the park with you! Sawyer, we didn't hand out too much because you are still a big mama's boy, but you are growing so fast! So handsome! And Kellon, I hope for your mama's sake that you stay as sweet and chill as you were with me. You are an awesome, charming little angel! Love you kiddos!

3. Ryot is 2! How time went by this fast I have no idea. I remember my pregnancy. I remember trying to discover her name. I remember telling my friends and family. I remember her being modest and not wanting to show me that she was a girl. haha. I remember the discomfort, but that is far overshadowed by the immense joy that she has brought in my life. She truly is a gift from God and my life has been forever changed. I couldn't love her more if I tried. Hello terrible, I mean terrific two's!

4. I got more work done on my 3/4 length sleeve....and actually I got the outline done the day before I went to Plano to visit everyone, but I just wore a longer shirt and kept quiet about it because I didn't want it to have to be explained or looked down on. But I just got more work done on it two days ago and only have one more session for it to be complete! I love it! Looking at now, it seems that it was always supposed to be a part of me. I see it as an extension of my personality, not just art or a statement. It has also helped me start up conversations with people that normally would not have just come up to me and talk to me. I love that. :)

5. I am going to lose 30lb by Nov 1. Bring it! Last night I did 100 crunches and 155 squats. After, I walked a mile and then ran/walked 2 miles while I was watching Knight and Day with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. I was sweating like a crazy mad woman. It was gross, but I felt GREAT afterwards. I'm not sore today at all which I think it really weird. I feel like I should be sore. I'm ridiculously tired, but not sore. Hmmmmmmm, well I will be back at it tonight. I have a goal and I'm NOT budging. I just want my outside to match how I feel on the inside. :)

6. Rock the Dock - I love it. I love live music. I love watching Ryot play and have fun. I love to have a little drink as the week draws to a close. I love to be surrounded in a sea of people all singing to their favorite songs. I love the atmosphere. Every Thursday, you know where I will be. Who wants to join?

**I just wrote like three paragraphs about woman in the workplace, but had to erase it because I think I will either do a full feature post on my opinion or not say anything at all. Not sure what to do with that one yet and I have to follow my prompting. My prompting, my 'good angel', my 'conscience', my 'gut feeling', my intuition - this is the Holy Spirit. And when the Holy Spirit prompts or pushes you to do something you obey. Even if it goes against your emotions, you obey because it will ALWAYS be the right decision. Emotions are not reliable, God is always reliable. I have never known this more than the past couple weeks. I was in a bit of a rut, so I stood firm and relied on God. But then that quickly changed to a self-will of thinking "I can make it on my own" which is NOT the way to go because I was quickly reminded that I can do nothing on my own.

I can't handle the stress of being a single mom - working full time, coming home to a sweet little girl full of energy and Googling where I can access an endless supply of energy so that I can keep up with playing outside, building forts, epic dance parties, painting nails, art projects, cooking dinner, cleaning up from dinner, bath time, bed time routine, working out so that I can avoid the "she's 2, it's not baby weight any more" conversations and cleaning the house that said 2 yr old just destroyed.

 

But with God I don't have to stress or worry or over-analyze.

 

Part of the sermon my Pastor so awesomely delivered on Sunday talked about how the enemy plants the same unoriginal doubts in our minds to make us ineffective. If you pay attention, you will be able to identify what the enemy uses to make you ineffective. Personally, I can see the same thread through every argument, every bad day, every sad day, every idle time in my life all boils down to this phrase:

 

"I am not enough" 

 

Not smart enough.

Not pretty enough.

Not efficient enough.

Not witty enough.

Not skinny enough.
Not a good enough mom.
Not a good enough friend.
Not a good enough employee.
Not a good enough Christian.
 

 

With God, I AM enough.

With God I can focus on what is the most important thing, my heart for His people. It doesn't matter if I have a little extra cushion or a bigger dress size. It doesn't matter that my house isn't white-glove dust test approved. It doesn't matter if at the end of the day, my desk is still covered in paper. It doesn't matter that I don't have the witty comeback just at the right time. It doesn't matter that I'm not the best at everything. What matters is that I love God and love His people. What matters is that I pour myself into the people and things around me and let God work through me.

His will, not mine. His purpose, not mine. His power, not mine. His timing, not mine.

With God I am equipped with His Spirit which gives me everything I need to live a life full of adventure, purpose and packed with a punch!

It doesn't matter that I am a single mom or that I have tattoos, a car missing a back bumper, no health insurance or a coffee addiction. All of that can, and actually already has been used for me to talk about others to God.

I was supposed to post this as my "quit anything Thursday" post, but yesterday I officially quit living in fear of not being enough. I already have proof from a more important opinion that I am.

Done and done. :)
 

Keeping Place

I can't write. But I have to write. It's burning in me to come out. So I stare at this blank screen, the cursor blinking at me with its expectations.

But I don't have anything good to say.

But what is my definition of good?
How can I define what is worth reading?

 

I have cried 4 out of the last 5 days. And not all for the same reasons.

In talking to a dear dear friend of mine, I was reminded that "everyone has seasons where the goal becomes keeping place and not losing ground. It's not a bad thing."

So that's what I'm doing. I'm going to continue reminding myself of what is truth. I'm going to stand firm and not just weather this storm but praise my Creator in this storm.

 

Permission of Empowerment

I have been under construction lately. Well, I'm always under construction, but I have been under major construction lately. Can I just plead with you for a little bit? Can I just tell you from experience that if you sincerely ask God to reveal himself to you, He will! It might not be within 5 minutes of your prayer. It might not be in the way that you expected. In fact, it probably won't be in the way you expected. But by rejoicing at His feet and seeking earnestly the will of God, you will be blessed and He will far exceed your expectations.

A couple weeks ago I started a new journey in my walk. God has been pouring His heart out and revealing His will to me in ways that I feel completely incompetent to handle. He has changed my whole view of life. Everything I once knew is changed...or more enlightened. I'm still catching up from this flood of knowledge and wisdom but I wouldn't have it any other way. An example of a change of thought process was induced by this quote I read the other day:

"The ultimate vengeance on the enemy is that whatever he tries against us only succeeds in making us bigger, better and stronger. When under attack, we focus on what the Father is giving us permission to become." -Bill Johnson

At first glance, I see this as an encouraging quote about overcoming obstacles and things that the enemy tries to throw at us. So that guy that cut me off in traffic this morning, I will pray for him, which will lead me to pray for others therefore changing my attitude to glorifying God instead of succumbing to frustration. This is true of this quote. But something else spoke to me from this quote. Instead of merely encouraging me in my walk, it empowered me to literally BE the hands and feet and heart of God.

"When under attack, we focus on what the Father is giving us permission to become."

God, the Creator of the universe has more planned for me than I could ever imagine.

I am not bound by financial struggle.
I am not bound by sickness.
I am not bound by fear.
I am not bound by social expectations.
I am not bound by age restrictions.
I am not bound by this box that I have put myself in of who I'm supposed to be.

(Please excuse the run-on sentence you are about to experience.) When I am faced with an obstacle, I already have the power in me and now, the permission from THE one and only God to have victory over this obstacle.

By choosing Christ, by accepting His love and grace and redemption in my life, I now have every tool I need to live a life of victory. NOT a life of self-induced victory, but a life of complete abandon of my desires to fulfill God's desires. There is so much more that I am destined to accomplish than to acquire the American Dream.

My job is a platform to be the hands and feet of Christ.
My family is a platform to be the hands and feet of Christ.
The obstacles, fears, sickness, hurt, grief, anger, pain, anxiety and insecurities I face are a platform to be the hands and feet of Christ.

I have not just the permission, but the honor and obligation to be the paint brush to create His masterpiece.

They say "easier said than done". That's why I write. :)

This is *not* SPARTA!

As I'm watching the movie 300, I can't help but get riled up by their passion and dedication. The courage it took for 300 men to go up against unbeatable odds is unfathomable and honestly, convicting. They die, ya know. They lose that battle. They KNEW going into the fight that they could die. Both them and their families treasured the thought of such an honorable death.

I don't wake up in the morning thinking that I might die, but yet I know I am in an active battle. And not just any battle, but a battle that has already been won! Do we, as a church (body of Christ), live like we already have the victory? Or maybe we really do know we have the victory so we don't feel the need to keep fighting....like we are taking a pleasure cruise through life instead of putting on the armor of God and bringing His will to our reality? Could it be that we try to go through our circles of life alone instead of utilizing the resources and army of fellow believers that *should be* available to us?

In the movie, Gerard Butler knows the odds that he has taking 300 men up against thousands of Persians? So what does he do? He formulates a plan to gather as one community, huddling together, moving as one unit to support each other and be a stronger force. They hold each other up, they encourage each other, they fight for each others lives. They understand that if one person fails, the whole unit fails.

We have much to learn here. Sunday morning should not be the only time you converse with fellow believers. And when you see your friends/family at church, merely discussing the week, your children's allergies or the new diet you're on should not be the only conversations. We are in a battle every day, right?

We need to cling to one another every day.
We need to fight for each others lives!
We need to fight for honor and liberty!
We need to love others as we love ourselves.
We need to help prepare each other.

'We were meant to live for so much more'
-Switchfoot

Bring the Rain

This morning on the radio I heard this chorus from a song by MercyMe:

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Without a second thought I was just singing along and then in a still small voice I heard this:

Be careful what you ask for.

Then I had about a 30 second internal struggle that went something like this:

Wow, I really do need to be careful what I ask for. While singing this song, I am asking God to bring the rain, trials, hardships, etc if that's what it takes to praise Him.
              But I don't want it to rain. I don't want hardships.
But if it glorifies God then I DO want hardships because I know that it will only sharpen me to be more like Christ.
              But I really don't need any more financial trouble.
But if I am trusting in the Lord, He is in control and I have nothing to fear.
              But I really don't want sickness, pain, grief or obstacles.
But "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
              Ok, Jesus, if that's what is takes to praise you, bring the rain.

Addicted

Yesterday I had a cup of coffee.
This morning I had two cups of coffee.
Today at Subway I went to get my Dr. Pepper and SHAZAM it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I am addicted to caffeine. I joke about it all the time. I knew this already but I didn't really know it until today.

When I walk into my office, I am looking forward to and GENUINELY excited to get my cup of coffee. I hear the bubbling of the coffee maker brewing the coffee. I smell the sweet aroma filling the office. I ready my coffee cup and head toward the fridge for the creamer. I get small thrills from using different creamer and changing up the flavor every now and then.

But today when I was about to get my Dr. Pepper I was instantly convicted. I heard this question:

Where were these emotions this morning when you woke up to talk to Me and read My word?

Ouch, but true. I love reading my Bible. I love talking to the Lord. I love worshipping Him. But I have to be honest and admit that lately when I wake up in the morning, I do not have the same passion to read my Bible and talk to Him as I do when I am waiting for my coffee.

So I am saying goodbye to caffeine for now. I'm not saying goodbye to caffeine because of my health/diet. I'm saying goodbye to caffeine because I want to have the passion and excitement and desire to spend time with God that I have towards drinking my beloved coffee.

I have been learning so many things and God has been revealing Himself to me more than ever. I want to desire Him above anything and everything. Even something as silly as a cup of coffee. It might not seem like a big thing, but it was something that stuck out to me. And recently I learned that when the Spirit tells you to do something you need to obey, no matter how big or how small. I don't want anything in my life to be combatting my passion for God. He is my first love and first priority.

Psalm 119:18
Open my eyes, that I may behold the wondrous things out of Your law.

Psalm 37:4-5
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act.

John 14:26
But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, He will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

I crave time with the Lord. I crave communion with the Spirit. I crave a bigger picture. I crave miracles. I crave passion and love overflowing from me so that others see Christ instead of me.

And that all is not only just possible but completely achievable! I just have to listen and obey.

Bucket List Beginning!

I just created a Bucket List at www.bucketlist.org. I have 41 random things on there right now and it is FAR from done! Below is the list of things that immediately popped in my head in 5 minutes. And they are in no particular order.

Anyone want to help me complete them? I know I have to travel for some but a couple of them are local!

See the Red Sox at Fenway

Visit New York

See the Northern Lights (Aurora Borealis)

Build a treehouse

Attend Ellen DeGeneres show

See John Mayer perform live

See Jack Johnson perform live

Go grape stomping

Learn Tai Chi

Cover someone's car in Post-it notes

Visit Greece

Ride a gondola in Venice

Rescue a dog from an Animal Shelter

Romantic weekend getaway in a cabin

Learn to drive a stick shift

Pay for a strangers groceries

Have a wedding!

Stand on The Equator

See the Cirque de Soleil

Go on a hot air balloon ride.

Finish my half-sleeve tattoo!

Have a plant I DONT kill

Go to a chocolate factory

Build a home with a secret room

Be an extra in a film

Write a book

Have another baby

Swim with dolphins

Go on a cruise

Meet Graham Cooke

Meet Bill Johnson

Own a Dodge Charger

Meet and hug Maya Thompson

Run a 5k

Lose 30 pounds!

Climb a Volcano